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Thursday, December 7, 2023

Bah Humbug!

So, I am now 61 and I want to enjoy Christmas and my life again. I miss the times I spent with my aunts, uncles and cousins at my grandparents' house at Christmas. We didn't have much, but the food was great and the laughter was contagious. Now, I'm grown. My children are grown with kids of their own and have their own traditions or live too far away to come home and I feel alone. I have my church but most friends are married with small kids and who wants a third wheel hanging out who is depressed about Christmas? Have I told you I hate getting old and having very few friends? I'm lonely even when I'm not alone.

I can see how so many people, old and young alike, become depressed. I blame so much of mine on ex-boyfriends and ex-husband, but I do not discount my input as well.. When you are told over and over again you are nothing without them and they can always "one-up" you, you begin the downward spiral into feeling sorry for yourself. I never felt worthy to be married. I sometimes question if I was a good mother; I still question that. 

Fast forward to 2023 when I turned 70.

My perspective of myself has not gotten any better. This year I also lost my “soulmate “. I realize now that I became what she needed me to be. So it appears to me that this is a habit I seem to follow with friends and family around me. I guess this allows me to accept or tolerate any number of situations I find myself in. So now that I live y myself with no significant other I don’t know how to act. I see this doesn’t allow me to be genuine with my granddaughters. I seem to not be able to relate to them as my grandmother did with me. Or, maybe I am like my grandmother Smith. This causes me much distress and I feel I may never be able to communicate with them as I would like.

If they ever have the opportunity to read this they will know me a little better and maybe I will get past this block I have in my mind. Anybody have any suggestions?

Monday, January 19, 2015

Oh for a King!


Today as we celebrate the man, Martin Luther King Jr and his accomplishments I am drawn to many of his inspiring quotes. The first one is probably familiar to everybody from his “I have a dream” speech. The quote is “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.”  This quote has always hit me as a 2-part statement that often times the second part of his statement seems to be overlooked. There is so much talk about not being judged by the color or your skin, but what character do you reflect in your life? I’m not saying there aren’t people who do judge by skin color because it happens every day, but how do you portray your character?

I recently stopped to drop off coats to a group of homeless men. Most of them were very appreciative and thanked me, but there was 1 man who started asking for my coat and proceeded to make remarks that were not appropriate to make to someone he didn’t know. To me that is not a character quality that is acceptable. Is it an honorable character trait to walk into a store, pull a gun and take something that does not belong to you, something you didn’t work hard for, something you need to feed your children, or take the car from the person who uses it to get back and forth from that job they need? No! That is a character flaw in my book. I hope that one day the content of someone’s character becomes a focal point to our outspoken politicians, religious leaders, athletes, people in the entertainment industry, educators and particularly parents. Inappropriate behavior at home goes unchecked and many times ignored leading to inappropriate behavior in society.

It would be nice to see someone hold a door for someone, not a man, not a woman, but anybody and the person be appreciative and say thank you. What about not cutting someone off in traffic, smiling at the people in a check-out line, having respect for yourself, treat others like you would want to be treated. Would you want to have someone break into your business, destroying everything you have worked your entire life to accomplish? Everybody wants the opportunity to have nice things, but NOT at the expense of someone else’s hard work. As a people there are so many out there that have lost respect for themselves and take it out on others.

If you want to be judged by the content of your character and not the color of your skin, show your character so that color is no longer a factor.

Another of Dr. King’s quotes is “Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?’” That is a question I most often hear in churches. Not all people go out and live the missionary’s life but many spend their resources, whether it be money, time, food, etc. for others. Recently I have heard the words telling me I have a spiritual gift. My gift may not be like the person sitting next to me, my neighbor, the nurse at the hospital, the firemen down the street or the family who takes in foster children, but it is unique to me. These gifts should be used for something good, used to build up others, used to help the hungry, the lonely, the hurt and many more. If we choose to intimidate, destroy, take, judge, humiliate or tease others we are not using our gifts for what they were intended and it is not showing those we do these things to how to use their gifts.

This does not mean that every dime you make you give away, it doesn’t mean you give more of yourself than you have to give and in doing so destroy and hurt others in the process. I person who has accepted the responsibility to have a family cannot work to the point of destroying that family by not being there. A person who wants to feed his or her family and chooses to take from someone who has worked hard for what they have cannot choose to destroy 1 family to save their own by illegal and immoral means. I admit there have been times I envied the person who had the big house, nice cars, took expensive vacations, etc. but I don’t think I ever put myself in the position or taking from them to satisfy my moment of envy. I am not a saint, I am not perfect, but I want to be. I want to do good for others. I want to feed all the hungry. I want to put clothes on everybody. I want people to have clean water. I want people to have heat in the cold of winter. I want the person on the street to have a coat. I want the mother to have food for her children. I want to be judged by my character, not by the color of my skin, not by the car I drive, not by the house I live in, not by my sex, not by my hair color, not by my athletic accomplishments, not by my sexual orientation. Character is built every day, a little at a time. Show your character so that Dr. King and others like him would be proud to call you friend and a good and faithful servant to humanity.

Friday, January 2, 2015

Happy New Year 2015!

Happy New Year, what we wish for everybody, right? How many people say it, but don't mean it. I do and wish all people meant it. There are so many people that would wish their enemies not to have one. People as a whole don't want to see someone be happy and succeed if it means they are on the losing end of that happiness. I've decided I need to do what God has planned for me. If I'm not to be rich and famous and solve the problems of the world, let me do God's will.

So what does 2015 have in store for me? Last night I spent bringing in the new year with T. We made our own decorations and crowns since I did not plan for the New Year celebration. A called on Face Time and we wished everybody a happy. New year. Little AB was drinking her juice and celebrating. She was enjoying the yellow fire. JB was singing and dancing and giving us a show. Even though we could not be there I'm thankful for Face Time.

This morning began as normal, dogs wanting to go out. Was able to go back to bed for a little while longer. I guess I should have gotten up and began a workout routine, but that didn't happen. I did manage to get up and fix T pancakes, since she wanted them at 12:30 last night. Fried up some bacon, but managed to burn the first batch. The rest was pretty good. Prior to taking T home we walked up and visited neighbors. I did walk a little more than usual so I guess I am doing better than before.

Driving T home she fell asleep. The afternoon will be mine and the dogs, along with some football. The football didn't last long for me. That evening I watched The Taste. Watching Ludo scream at the people in his kitchen was getting on my nerves big time. I could not work under such pressure. My laid-back nature needs calmer surroundings.

JT was out of it most of the day. This year is not starting any different or any better than the last one. Welcome 2015!

Thursday, October 16, 2014

"So, what are your birthday plans?"

Was asked what my birthday plans were and my reply, "Working the late shift". Sounds wonderful, NOT! The well wishers have began their litany of happy birthdays.  I would love to have a grand birthday party and invite all the people who have make me the person I am today.

After 60 tears, I mean years, wonder if these people would care if they influenced me, whether for the good or the bad. Would the girls in junior high, who excluded me like to know how this hurt me and it still sticks in my mind? Would an old flame care that I was scared to death to break up with him because of threats of  harm. And  my Dad's tears on my wedding day, would he know I wondered if they were tears of joy or pain?

Over the next few days I want to share these memories and how I have been transformed by them. Since many I have never shared, hoping this will be therapeutic for me. I want to grow with this. I am challenging myself to love who I am at 61.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Oh the aches and pains of no motivation

This morning, while snuggled in my bed, I laid there listening to the rain and wondered why I couldn't just lay there and dig a little deeper under the covers. Then I remembered I am not old enough for SS benefits, not disabled nor am I rich; so I proceeded to arise and start my day.  Only 3 days until my birthday and I'm wondering if it will be just as hard to get up then as it was today. I figure that is not going to change.

Upon rising I feel the general aches and pains that seem to come with the aging process plus I started exercising again yesterday evening. This seems to add to those pains along with the weather. Starting back exercising after stopping for 3 months I think 30 minutes on the bike was pretty good, but I need to up the intensity on the workouts and get my pain on. So, does more pain in the beginning equal less pain later and can my 61st year be the start of something good?

My problem is I start off slow and get uninterested real fast. My lack of motivation, or should I say self-motivation has not been my strong point. I would love to have a motivator to encourage me and keeps me on course. Not sure this is a trait I can develop at 60.

I know I'm not in the best shape and I'm overweight so don't tell me that. Positive motivation is what I'm looking for, any suggestions?

Until later!

Saturday, October 11, 2014

As my 60th year comes to an end:-(

In 6 days my 60th year of living on this Earth will be over, but I'm not dead yet! Can you hate and love being 60 at the same time? I say yes you can. I hate that the majority of my life is behind me and I look back and wondered why I've wasted so much of it. I love that I'm still living and enjoying a new phase of my life. So which has more weight? I would ask you the same question, no matter what stage of life you are living.

Have you wasted your life by sitting on the sidelines? I feel that is where I've been in recent years. In years past, way past, I was fun-loving, enthusiastic, adventurer and at times reckless. I loved dancing and partying. I dated multiple people prior to marrying, but never felt loved without giving up a small piece of myself. I didn't feel worthy, I felt used. There were girls who were prettier, smarter and more fun than I was.

I hope with this blog there will be those who need an outlet to remember who they were and maybe together we can find our true selves again.